How did we get here?

This was inspired by a writing prompt asking us to take the first line of our favorite song and write a story using it as the first line. If you have a similar story, please share below.

“There’s room between your heart and the chair where I’ve been sleeping.”  The sleeping arrangement might be new, but the ever present feeling of distance has been growing between us for months now. I haven’t wanted to say anything in hopes that it was just a temporary thing. I thought maybe it was something we’d work through in time, but that just hasn’t been the case. Surely, you’ve noticed it as well.

You would think after 3 years together we would have plenty to talk about. There is a quite a history between us. And yet, every night when we’re both home from work there is silence. Can you even remember the last time we laughed together? I can. It was 2 months ago in Nashville. We were on the General Jackson cruise during Xmas when I slipped and fell walking around the deck.  That was a good night. I miss seeing your parents.

Why haven’t we had any nights like that since? We used to laugh like that all of the time.  For the rest of my life, I’ll never forget you asking me if I knew the “fuck you” song the first night we met. You bopped back and forth and moved your hands like a rapper when you sang it to me. That always brings a smile to my face.

Nothing like that happens anymore. We haven’t been on a real date or even hung out with friends lately. All we do is come home and watch the television and we don’t even do that together. I know you say you need time to yourself, but it seems like you’re not interested in including me in your time at all. Whatever we used to have…the friendship, fun, trust, it seems like it’s all gone out the window. Doesn’t it bother you to live in the same house as me, sleep in the same bed, and yet have no clue what’s going on in my life? Maybe we’ve just run out of things to talk about?

Do you still want this? Us? I’ve been asking myself those questions a lot lately and I’m not so sure what I want anymore. Maybe we’ve reached that point in the relationship where we only love each other as friends and we aren’t actually “in love” anymore. Sometimes I find myself wishing I’d catch you cheating on me, or yelling at me, or anything negative just so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for thinking these things. At least then I could point at something and say “that right there is why shouldn’t be together anymore.” But there is nothing to point at. We don’t fight. We’ve stayed loyal. And we still respect each other. So, why don’t I feel like we love each other anymore?

I’m tired of feeling sad. Even more, I’m tired of feeling alone in my own house when I know you’re coming home every day. In all of my life, I’ve never felt anything quite like this. Who knew you could feel this alone despite living with the person you love more than anything you’ve ever loved before?

I’ve tried to figure this out for weeks, and it just doesn’t make sense. Do you have any ideas? I want this to work, but I just don’t know what to change. Where would we even start? How do we start having fun together again when we don’t even know what the problem is?

You’ve been my best friend for a long time now. There isn’t a person on this planet who knows more about me. You know every secret, all of my dreams, every single skeleton in my closet. I’ve shared things with you I never dreamed of sharing with someone before.  I’m afraid to let all of that go. It’s been so long, I don’t know how to be alone and that scares me.

And you deserve more than this. We both do. I’ve seen you happy before and the person I’m looking at right now isn’t happy. You deserve to feel that happiness we once felt and you deserve to feel that every day for the rest of your life. It kills me to say this, but I want you to be happy, even if it isn’t me that makes you smile anymore. We’d only be lying to each other to continue the relationship when it’s been spiraling out of control like this with no end in sight.

I know that deep down this isn’t what either of us really wants. If we could point a magic wand at our relationship and fix everything, we’d both do it in a heartbeat.  But we can’t. It’s going to be extremely difficult learning to live without each other in the coming months. We won’t be there for one another anymore. I’m sure I’ll feel like I can’t do it alone at first. I know there will be some growing pains, but in time we’ll learn to stand on our own two feet again and hopefully we’ll find the sustaining love we couldn’t find in each other.

I’m not sure how you even end a conversation like this. “Okay, goodnight” just doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m sorry that we’ve come to this point, but here we are. I’m going to miss everything about you, but I’ve been missing just that for a long time now and that’s why it’s time for us to move on. Please never forget that I love you.