Tag Archive: Hurt


This was inspired by the following writing prompt. You are given the opportunity to talk to one dead person and tell him/her one thing that you didn’t get to before they passed away. Who would you pick and what would you tell him (or her, of course)? If you have a similar story, please share below.


Without a doubt, if there was one person no longer living that I could have one more conversation with it would be my mother. My mom passed away December 11, 1998. As cliché as it is to say, I can’t believe it’s been so long since she left. I was a 16 year old boy when she died and today I’m 28 year old man. Quite a lot has changed since then and unfortunately quite a few things remain the same.

One of the many things I’m thankful for was my mom passing down her love of music. As a kid the last thing I wanted to do was practice the piano, play drums in the band, or sit through my sister’s singing and piano recitals. Going to plays and other musical shows weren’t my idea of fun either, but I went and while I was distracted with my own complaining the appreciation for all types of music was brewing in my subconscious.

Through her, I learned to relate to life through lyrics. I can remember my mom telling my brother and sister and I when various songs reminded her of us.  The songs sticking out right now are Ballerina Girl by Lionel Ritchie being my sister’s song and Todd Rundgren’s Bang on the Drum All Day being mine.

Another song that reminded my mom of me was Tori Amos’s Winter. The album this song was on released in February of 1992. I wasn’t even 10 years old yet, but somehow she was able to see what kind of person I had the potential to grow into. As a kid, I had no idea what the lyrics meant. All I knew was that they sounded pretty and my mom liked them and that was good enough for me. It’s scary to see how accurate my mom was now that I’m old enough to understand the message behind this song. It’s also very disheartening that the fear she had as a parent ended up coming to fruition.

Some of my favorite lyrics from this song are below:

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast

When I read those lyrics and I think about my mom telling me they remind her of me as a 10 year old boy it’s a bit shocking. All she wanted was for me to learn to love myself. At 28, I’m afraid I’m still as far away from getting to where she wanted me to be as I was 18 years ago. I’ve never thought highly enough of myself. No matter what I was doing I never gave my all because I knew someone would be better.  I was content to sit on the bench in sports, get C’s in school, and watch girls end up with guys that wouldn’t treat them right all because I was convinced nobody would ever pick me or that I couldn’t be the best.

Hair is gray and the fire is burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

And here I am, 28, single, college graduate, good job, and I still have no idea what I want. Or maybe I do know what I want but I’m afraid to go for it. I’m afraid to put myself out there and be let down and hurt again. I’m really trying to reach that break through point. I’m doing almost everything “they” tell you to do to get out of the rut I’m in. But I’m still stuck.

If I could talk to my mom one more time, there isn’t any one thing I’d want to tell her. She knew I loved her. But if I could talk to my mom just once more I’d want to ask her a simple question. Am I going to be okay? There is nothing on earth I’ll ever miss more than my mother’s reassurance. My mother is the one person that always believed in me no matter what.

I hear a voice you must learn to stand up
For yourself cause I can’t always be around

Eighteen years after she originally told me about this song, I finally realize what she was trying to say. I can’t keep waiting for my mom to come around and tell me everything is going to be okay. She isn’t here anymore. I need to be strong enough to stand up for myself and go for the things I want. The only person that ever needs to believe in me is me. And if there is something I want out of life, it’s up to me to grab it myself.

Mom, I bet you didn’t think telling 10 year old me about this weird Tori Amos song was going to have much impact on me. You probably thought it was going to go in one ear and out the other. But I remembered. I can even remember the parking lot we were sitting in when you told me. Thank you so much for being the mom you were. I’m still learning new things from you all the time even if you aren’t here talking to me.

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This was inspired by a writing prompt asking us to choose between yesterday and tomorrow, which would we pick and why? If you have a similar story, please share below.

To choose between yesterday and tomorrow, at first glance, seems like a decision that I should be able to make rather easily. The kings of cliché would have you believe that the only way to live is with an eye towards the future. And while there is truth to that statement, who you are tomorrow is determined by the decisions you made yesterday. The “you” that exists inside your mind is formed from years and years of experiences that happened in the past. Without yesterday, “you” don’t exist.

Though, the other side of that argument is that without tomorrow we run out of opportunities to live through new experiences and no longer have the ability to progress any further in our development. The thought of never growing beyond where I am today is one of the scariest thoughts I can possibly envision. My sole purpose for being is to continually grow as a person. Learning about myself and my place in the world is one of the most satisfying parts of my life and something I would hate to see come to a halt.

The best days of my life happened quite a few years ago. From day 1 until age 16, I’m pretty sure I lived one of the best lives a human can possibly ask for. When I see the way the majority of people grow up I almost feel bad when I compare my upbringing to those of others. How I was so lucky is beyond me, but it’s something I remind myself to be thankful for as often as I can. My family life was literally picture perfect. I had a fantastic mom, a dad who provided way beyond our needs, a brother and sister that always had my back, and grandparents who loved me beyond anything I can imagine. Even my aunts, uncles, and cousins were great.  Somehow, I found ways to complain about damn near everything at that point in my life, but when I look back I can’t remember a single time where I was anything less than happy.

In more recent times things have changed a bit. The picture perfect family I once had still exists, but at least from my point of view, it’s a bit fractured these days. My mom passed away when I was 16, my relationship with my dad isn’t nearly what it should be, and the tight knit unity my family once had is less than I remember.  That’s not to say I’m living in some shattered universe where every day is a hard day, but the happy days are surrounded by many average days, and at times a few days make appearances and muddy up the whole picture. If you believe in the ebb and flow of life, as I do, then maybe the wave I’m on now is a way of balancing out the overabundance of luck I had to start life off with.

Don’t feel bad for me. I don’t. Even though the best days of my life were long ago, the hope that tomorrow will bring me something close to what I experienced as a kid is what keeps me going. Every day I wake up, I do my best to continue observing my actions and the decisions I make, and try to grow into the kind of person I can respect. I’m looking for things, people, and a myriad other things all the time just waiting for that day when everything comes together again. And while I miss yesterday and respect the fact that I’m “me” because of all those experiences, I’d choose tomorrow every time if I had the opportunity.  If I’m not growing, I’m not living and staying stuck in the past is no life for me.

This was inspired by a writing prompt asking us to take the first line of our favorite song and write a story using it as the first line. If you have a similar story, please share below.

“There’s room between your heart and the chair where I’ve been sleeping.”  The sleeping arrangement might be new, but the ever present feeling of distance has been growing between us for months now. I haven’t wanted to say anything in hopes that it was just a temporary thing. I thought maybe it was something we’d work through in time, but that just hasn’t been the case. Surely, you’ve noticed it as well.

You would think after 3 years together we would have plenty to talk about. There is a quite a history between us. And yet, every night when we’re both home from work there is silence. Can you even remember the last time we laughed together? I can. It was 2 months ago in Nashville. We were on the General Jackson cruise during Xmas when I slipped and fell walking around the deck.  That was a good night. I miss seeing your parents.

Why haven’t we had any nights like that since? We used to laugh like that all of the time.  For the rest of my life, I’ll never forget you asking me if I knew the “fuck you” song the first night we met. You bopped back and forth and moved your hands like a rapper when you sang it to me. That always brings a smile to my face.

Nothing like that happens anymore. We haven’t been on a real date or even hung out with friends lately. All we do is come home and watch the television and we don’t even do that together. I know you say you need time to yourself, but it seems like you’re not interested in including me in your time at all. Whatever we used to have…the friendship, fun, trust, it seems like it’s all gone out the window. Doesn’t it bother you to live in the same house as me, sleep in the same bed, and yet have no clue what’s going on in my life? Maybe we’ve just run out of things to talk about?

Do you still want this? Us? I’ve been asking myself those questions a lot lately and I’m not so sure what I want anymore. Maybe we’ve reached that point in the relationship where we only love each other as friends and we aren’t actually “in love” anymore. Sometimes I find myself wishing I’d catch you cheating on me, or yelling at me, or anything negative just so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for thinking these things. At least then I could point at something and say “that right there is why shouldn’t be together anymore.” But there is nothing to point at. We don’t fight. We’ve stayed loyal. And we still respect each other. So, why don’t I feel like we love each other anymore?

I’m tired of feeling sad. Even more, I’m tired of feeling alone in my own house when I know you’re coming home every day. In all of my life, I’ve never felt anything quite like this. Who knew you could feel this alone despite living with the person you love more than anything you’ve ever loved before?

I’ve tried to figure this out for weeks, and it just doesn’t make sense. Do you have any ideas? I want this to work, but I just don’t know what to change. Where would we even start? How do we start having fun together again when we don’t even know what the problem is?

You’ve been my best friend for a long time now. There isn’t a person on this planet who knows more about me. You know every secret, all of my dreams, every single skeleton in my closet. I’ve shared things with you I never dreamed of sharing with someone before.  I’m afraid to let all of that go. It’s been so long, I don’t know how to be alone and that scares me.

And you deserve more than this. We both do. I’ve seen you happy before and the person I’m looking at right now isn’t happy. You deserve to feel that happiness we once felt and you deserve to feel that every day for the rest of your life. It kills me to say this, but I want you to be happy, even if it isn’t me that makes you smile anymore. We’d only be lying to each other to continue the relationship when it’s been spiraling out of control like this with no end in sight.

I know that deep down this isn’t what either of us really wants. If we could point a magic wand at our relationship and fix everything, we’d both do it in a heartbeat.  But we can’t. It’s going to be extremely difficult learning to live without each other in the coming months. We won’t be there for one another anymore. I’m sure I’ll feel like I can’t do it alone at first. I know there will be some growing pains, but in time we’ll learn to stand on our own two feet again and hopefully we’ll find the sustaining love we couldn’t find in each other.

I’m not sure how you even end a conversation like this. “Okay, goodnight” just doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m sorry that we’ve come to this point, but here we are. I’m going to miss everything about you, but I’ve been missing just that for a long time now and that’s why it’s time for us to move on. Please never forget that I love you.