You think your life sucks? Walk a mile in my shoes. Better yet, fly a mile in my wings.

The name’s Glide. I’m 13 days old, but with only two or three days left to live, I figured now’s the perfect time to write down Memoirs de Glide. For those of you short on time like myself, let me sum the story up quickly for you. The life of a housefly sucks.

I was born on a pile of wet cow shit 2 weeks ago, May 6th, with 250 of my brothers and sisters. Talk about a raw deal. Not only was I born on a pile of shit, but how am I supposed to compete with 250 other houseflies to get any attention from my parents? Yeah, you guessed it. There was no guidance for this fly…none whatsoever.

Right from the start I was left to fend for myself. If I have anything to be thankful for, I guess I can take solace in the fact that I actually made it long enough to earn my wings. Most of my relatives never make it this far, and really, there’s nobody but you humans to blame for that. I can’t tell you how many of my cousins were mercilessly fed to your pet chameleons over the years. Have you no mercy?

Anyways, back to my life story.  Back to my place of birth…that hot steamy pile of shit on the farm. Home, sweet home.

Of all the times to turn from a maggot to fly, I had to do it in the rain. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but we can’t fly when we’re born. Our wings are wet, and until we air dry, we have to chill. Well, it’s kind of hard for your wings to dry when you’re sitting around in a three hour rainstorm. Three hours might not seem like much to you, but when you only live for fifteen days, you’ll take every second you can get.

Finally, after the rain stopped, my wings were dry and it was time to fly. But where should I go? Like I said, when you have 250 brothers and sisters to contend with, parental advice doesn’t really exist. I decided to head where the food was…the farmer’s kitchen.

My first time in flight was great. Talk about freedom. I could fly anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted. I guess you can call me a drifter. But I was on a mission. I wanted to eat. The closer I flew to the house, the stronger the smells became and I grew more and more excited. Watermelon, apples, cake…you name it, it was in that kitchen.

Slowly, I approached the window. 5 feet…4 feet…3 feet…2 feet…1 foot…BAM! It’s like I said before, no parental advice. How was I supposed to know you can’t fly through glass? I must have spent a good 2 hours buzzing around outside looking for a way through that window. And you know what? That annoying buzzing sound we make with our wings…well, it annoys the hell out of me too. All I wanted was to land on a sweet piece of watermelon and suck a little juice. Instead I bounced off glass for 2 hours, all the while driving myself insane with that incessant buzzing sound.

Finally, one of the humans inside the house cracked the window open so I could get inside. What can I say? It was bliss. Not only was there a smorgasbord of food on the table for me to suck down, but the garbage can was filled to the brim. I couldn’t decide what I wanted more…fresh watermelon on the table or week old cheese in the trash? After careful thought, I decided when your life is only two weeks long, you don’t cheat yourself…you splurge. Ahh, those were the best minutes of my life.

After a few minutes of eating myself into a stupor, I figured I’d make my way back outside and explore what else the world had to offer. Full of juice and delicious garbage bits, I made my way back to the window I came in through earlier. BAM! God dammit! Again, with the window! So here I am, high on life and full of moldy gouda, and I’m stuck banging into windows again. The life of a housefly sucks.

Instead of buzzing around all night looking for a way out, I decided I’d sleep the cheese off and found a nice place in the top corner of the window to rest. It must have been 8 hours I slept that night. Talk about sleeping your life away! I needed to wake up and make something of my life already! Feeling my life pass before my eyes, I tried with my entire mite to get outside. Buzzzzzzz! Bam! Buzzzzzzz! Bam! Those are the only two sounds I heard for the next ten minutes as I tried everything in my power to free myself from this house.

Finally, morning came and one of the humans made their way into kitchen. It must have been my lucky day. Things were finally turning around for me as the human started to open the window. I was so excited I couldn’t hold my excitement in. Buzz! Buzz! I was flying in circles, buzzing up a storm when I heard the human say something like “Honey, where is the fly swatter”.

Not even a minute later, I was flying for my life. Buzz! Bam!Buzz! Bam! Someone open the damn window already! As I frantically flew into the window again and again trying to escape, I couldn’t help but think how flies get the raw end of the deal. Are we really that bad that humans needed to come up with a weapon specifically designed to kill us? Oh you wouldn’t hurt a fly? Bullshit!

Eventually, I found a safe place to hide, and when the time was right I made my way back outside through one of those doors I saw their dogs walk through.

So, now it’s day two of my all too short life. Typically, Day 2 in a fly’s life is kind of dull. All we can do is eat as we’re still a day away from being mature enough to procreate. I decided to take it easy in a nearby garbage can, eat, and contemplate how I was going to go about getting laid the next day. You see, this is another area where I can say that a fly’s life sucks. The women only need us once! Can you believe that shit? We blow one load and the women store our baby goo in them for days and create multiple batches of maggots off one load.

And that’s it, by the time I was 3 days old, my life had pretty much climaxed. I had nothing to do but eat for another week and a half and wait to die.

But after about another week of flying around from garbage can to garbage can, I decided I wanted to get back to my roots. It must be something all flies go through, as I noticed we were all on the same mission.

As humans, I’m sure you have noticed that flies are a little preoccupied with shit. Our women lay the eggs there, we’re born there, and eventually all flies become obsessed with going back there. Why? Well, if a pile of shit can give us life, maybe it can extend it as well? And that’s why you’ll always find a fly around stinky mound of crap. We just want to live people. We just want to live.

I’m told this is the first time any fly has taken time to write down his thoughts. I hope my little memoir has given you a clearer picture of what it’s like to be a fly. So the next time you’re thinking to yourself “man, my life sucks”, just know it could be worse…you could be a fly.